This turned into a non-workout day today. I hate that fact I was literally swamped from the time I got up this morning until just this very moment. So I’ll work it every day from tomorrow through Sunday.
I found out tonight that a guy that I dated on and off over the last year and someone I have never fully gotten over, has finally found the person that is “the one”. I have such a mixture of emotions. Happy for him, pissed at him in an irrational way, whatever.
The thing is this is an interesting place for me to be. Previously this kind of news would have sent me head first into a binge. Now all I can think about is getting into the gym first thing tomorrow morning and running for my life. I can’t let this be a distraction and it is, right this second. Because when I am distracted I lose focus and when I lose focus I partake in self-flogging behavior like having a binge or not working out or worse, hating myself for not being “good enough”.
See, in my twisted brain, I figured that once I lost weight that he would magically want to be with me again. This is the part of my therapy that I have disagreed with Randy on, where it’s OK for me to hate myself being fat because when I am fit I will have the world at my feet. But that is not reality. And why do I want a man that would be that way anyway?
It’s funny to me too because I put everything I have into this blog but in day to day interactions with me, I am sort of closed. I have had such a lifetime of trusting enough of the wrong people that I put on a happy exterior but it’s hard for me to reach out to anyone. This is where I have allowed myself to become isolated. I have to work very hard right now, this minute to not sink back into the abyss.
I’m also realizing that I”m tired. I’m tired of being everyone’s “rock” all the time. I am tired of being that person people want to go to help for and I’ve not let any boundaries come between me and them because I want to be there for them and not let them feel alone.