We Interrupt This Program….

This turned into a non-workout day today. I hate that fact I was literally swamped from the time I got up this morning until just this very moment. So I’ll work it every day from tomorrow through Sunday.

I found out tonight that a guy that I dated on and off over the last year and someone I have never fully gotten over,  has finally found the person that is “the one”. I have such a mixture of emotions. Happy for him, pissed at him in an irrational way, whatever.

The thing is this is an interesting place for me to be. Previously this kind of news would have sent me head first into a binge. Now all I can think about is getting into the gym first thing tomorrow morning and running for my life. I can’t let this be a distraction and it is, right this second. Because when I am distracted I lose focus and when I lose focus I partake in self-flogging behavior like having a binge or not working out or worse, hating myself for not being “good enough”.

See, in my twisted brain, I figured that once I lost weight that he would magically want to be with me again. This is the part of my therapy that I have disagreed with Randy on, where it’s OK for me to hate myself being fat because when I am fit I will have the world at my feet. But that is not reality. And why do I want a man that would be that way anyway?

It’s funny to me too because I put everything I have into this blog but in day to day interactions with me, I am sort of closed. I have had such a lifetime of trusting enough of  the wrong people that I put on a happy exterior but it’s hard for me to reach out to anyone. This is where I have allowed myself to become isolated. I have to work very hard right now, this minute to not sink back into the abyss.

I’m also realizing that I”m tired. I’m tired of being everyone’s “rock” all the time. I am tired of being that person people want to go to help for and I’ve not let any boundaries come between me and them because I want to be there for them and not let them feel alone.


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8 Responses to We Interrupt This Program….

  1. Nanette says:

    You are such a dear sweet soul. Look at that picture of you…I want to hug you. Ok, first, you have to love yourself before anyone has room to love you. So, work on yourself and whatever guy you are MEANT to be with will come along. And you will be ready for him. It has nothing to do with weight. It has to do with with healthy in lots of ways. Second, don’t beat yourself up. Ever. You are the only you you have, and you are beautiful. Third, pat yourself on the back. You didn’t binge! That’s huge. But if you do, or don’t work out once – DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. It’s ok. Fourth) Sorry about the guy. I could say lots like he’s really not the one you are supposed to be with, but your heart doesn’t give a shit right now. So, sorry sweetie. Hug.

    • Oh Nanette bless you sweetie. Everything you say makes perfect rational sense. Thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself, especially when I want to be very hard on myself. Hugs to you.

  2. I’m sorry about the guy, I have a few “ones that got away” that I haven’t gotten over, and they all got married, -Ha! That’s just how life goes, but it makes us who we are today.

    You can’t let it get to you though, if someone doesn’t love you for how you look now then there’s no way they’re going to truly love you when you’re different/thinner/whatever. It doesn’t work that way! And really, if they’re that shallow that’s ridiculous. We as humans always want what we can’t have, it’s just how we’re wired. Don’t waste your time!

    You’ll find someone who appreciates you for who you are and understands the struggles you face. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true. But you have to first find a way to be okay with yourself ALONE.

    I never did that. I clung on to whoever I was with at the time, and their life became my life. No good.

    I’m lucky I met my current boyfriend. He’s supportive and understanding and calls me out when I’m acting stupid.

    You have to let go of the past that you cling to, and leave yourself open and available to something/someone new.

    I hope you feel better! Don’t be sad, we’ve all been there, and it will get better 🙂 ❤

  3. Hey Chickie, good job laying that all out. Feels like crap for sure. If I were there, I’d give you a big hug and quote from “The Help”: “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” =). For whatever it’s worth, I’m glad you didn’t end up with the wrong guy. You deserve someone that would love you just exactly as you are right now, would never ask you to change, but would support you in all this stuff that you are doing for you. You’re tops, sweetie darling dear, and headed toward more and more awesome stuff. You’re gonna be just fine!

  4. Judie Crowley says:

    Ditto to the above replies. You have to LOVE yourself first. I have a problem with that too, as I am very much over weight. Love Ya, Judie

  5. Rick says:

    It’s amazing how, when you decide that the best reason for weight loss is for yourself, it becomes that much more important. Keep up the good work…your weight loss and other stuff, too.

  6. jimcrowley says:

    Hey, I’m looking for a rock, you available?

    While this may suck right now, or at least yesterday when you wrote it, remember that this year is about more than weight loss and health. It’s about learning to live again in every way. Better to experience this now, when you know you have a team of people to support you.

    I was serious yesterday when I said this is your year. It’s all about you. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

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