For the first time, I am beginning to get a desire to exercise. We meet with our trainer, Lisa, on Monday and Wednesday and the rest of the days they want us in a class or doing our own workout.
Today I did my C25K workout. I did it on the treadmill and while I did OK I have quickly decided I would rather run outside. I found myself watching the program count down rather than the scenery and people around me.
I’ve also talked to my dietitian about my calories. We have decided on a range of 1200-1400. I cannot EVEN believe I am saying this but it’s hard for me to get all my food in! Since I can’t just stop at the local convenience store for pizza and my favorite binge food, eating requires planning.
I have also noticed that my thinking is starting to change. I don’t know if it is therapy, or exercise or maybe a combination of both but I feel like I’m crawling out of a hole.
Imagine, if you will, a scene from Silence of The Lambs. You know the one, where the trapped young woman is in the hole trying her best to get out and she can’t? And every so often she is tormented from above?
Now what torments me is clearly not a psycho who wants to make a suit from women’s skin! But I have always felt like there has been something mocking me that I can’t reach.
So what could it be? A mother’s love? A father’s attention? Wanting to be in a relationship with an emotionally committed man? Winning the MegaMillions?
Maybe in the past it has been. But lately I sense a shift. What I really want and for the first time I believe I can get is peace of mind.
More and more I am living in the present, not the past nor the future. Have you ever really looked at your life and thought about how much you live in anything but everyday mindfulness? It’s a trip because who isn’t thinking about upcoming commitments or that cheesecake they shouldn’t have had or to ruminate over something that happened? I am guilty of it and before I know it the day is over. But lately, there has been a subtle shift in my thinking. And I think it has to do with some connections with other people that I am making.
I have been a solitary creature for many years. Obesity is very isolating as I have said before. But I am incredibly thankful for amazing people who have appeared in my life. My cousin Jim and my Aunt Judie are two of them. I walked out of their lives and I am stunned they are still there with open arms. How wonderful is that? It’s a miracle to me after a lifetime of abandonment from my parents. Their acceptance of me is truly life altering.
I am finally for the very first time at age 47 making connections with women that are not full of drama. I’m tough on women. I think we create too much drama around ourselves and I’m finding something new here.
I cherish every comment I get on this blog. I am honored that people would read what I write and take time to like or comment.
So the shift occurs when I am finally starting to take tentative steps out of isolation. I’m finding it a good place, even finding some safe places that I never thought existed. I’m finding that by being very open about what I weigh, what I look like and laying my issues on the table, that these are some of the most freeing experiences I have ever had.