Today I woke up nervous. It was our first scheduled weigh in. When you have binge eating disorder (yes, it really is a disorder) the scale is a mighty foe. Just before we started this challenge I gave my scale away because I know that my obsessiveness with the scale puts me on an emotional roller coaster.
I have been known to weigh myself 5 times per day. With my therapist’s help I got down to once every day until I found out I was in this thing and basically “gave it over” and didn’t weigh much until last week when I thought I weighed in at 252.9. This is where it gets interesting.
So we worked out this morning, a good Tabata workout. Tabata is a type of interval training where you do 20 seconds on working as hard as you can and 10 seconds off. We went 6 rounds of it. It was tough but it was better than last week.
I waited to be the last one to weigh in because I didn’t think I should be weighing in. It’s not that I lacked confidence in what I ate, my workouts or anything else. I just was enjoying the freedom that comes with not letting a scale dictate my self worth.
But in I went.
After 6 days of workouts, 1300-1400 calorie days of eating, drinking so much water I felt like a beach ball, I lost a grand total of .9 pounds.
I just broke down crying. I don’t think my trainer knew what to do at that point and she had to run for her next class and she is not a therapist so I just sat there after she left. Alone. Defeated. Devastated.
I’ve watched people go through this program for 2 years and mind you, some of these people are older than me, lose significant weight. Am I going to be the outlier that doesn’t do it?
I talked to Lisa later and she mentioned that while she was in the room last week that she let me weigh myself and she thinks I did it wrong because their scale measures in 1/4 pounds so how could I get a .9? Wonderful, now I don’t really know for sure what I weighed last week so we are assuming it was 253 and I lost a pound.
Lisa told me she doesn’t want me to feel sorry for myself and binge. I don’t know how to take a statement like that so I’m just going to ignore it. And not binge of course.
I guess, all I can say right now, is I am going to weigh myself next week and then probably not weigh myself for a long time. I can’t take the pressure. Right now I allow the power of the scale to impact how I feel about myself and right now I feel like a loser. And not a weight loser.
I don’t believe this crap about “well you are building muscle”. Please. I realize I will be but I have much fat to lose first.
It’s my blog and I can be pissy if I want to.