Good Bye to my Longest Relationship-The Scale

Maybe it is the fact that I turn 50 in 6 weeks. Maybe I’m so tired of fretting over what I will weigh every day. But as I think about what the first 50 years has brought me I am beginning to see a few things that I don’t want to take with me into the next 50. I’m faced with the reality that I have to leave a few things behind that didn’t work for me for 1/2 a century. Slow coach that I am I figured out today that one of those things is the longest relationship I have ever had.

Why would I write about a scale the same way I would a relationship with an individual? Because I have such a sick co-dependent relationship with it. What I have weighed every day since I was 11 has had the ability to make me happy, sad, affected what I have done during the day and what I have not. I learned at a young age that this thing in the bathroom was all powerful and no matter how good I was there were days that I am still letting it down because my weight stays the same or goes up.

Today I am done. I was sitting at home today in my usual Sunday funk worried about the scale reading 5+ pounds more than it did 3 days ago. Probably because of the pizza I had last night and all the water I drank and I know better than to know it was fat. But the scale said so! It said I weighed 242 pounds so I am a big fat pig of a person that doesn’t deserve anything good.

It was about that time I got out of my chair and did some PiYo. If you don’t know what PiYo is, it is a Beach Body yoga/pilates workout. I’m not a Beach Body coach by any stretch and don’t even fall into the whole Beach Body lifestyle, I just happen to like the workout. So I did some of that and then I went and drove to my favorite area of Des Moines, a lake that I learned to run at a few years ago. I walked for 2 miles and it was glorious. It was there that I realized I had to break up with the scale. I was feeling so good about my walk but if I had gotten on the scale then my mood would have gone south. I want to start focusing on how I feel not how I THINK I should feel based upon some arbitrary number from the liar that lives in my bathroom.

I picked up my scale and something erupted in me. I banged that scale hard against the wall and I heard the scale crack. I took it outside and banged it against my apartment building and one of the pieces came off. I didn’t realize until then how angry I have been at the scale. I then walked over, threw it in the trash and there it stays….abandoned, never to come back and never to have another one in my life. I start today, on the precipice of 50 new years to own my life based on how I feel and NOT in the shadow of a piece of metal from Walmart.

Posted in 2012 | Leave a comment

Welcome back to me–My Story of Fear of Weight Loss after 40

It’s amazing to me it’s been over a year since I last blogged but regardless it’s time to start again.

Today I weighed in at 236 pounds. Basically the very same that I weighed last year at this time. Interestingly enough I have figured out this year that the weight is harder on me than it was 2 or 4 or 6 years ago when I weighed much more. I’m going to be 50 this year and frankly everything hurts right now. I know it is weight related.

But…see…I have this fear. I have this fear that I won’t be able to lose it. I mean my history has been that I lose and then I gain it back, lose and gain it back. But honestly as I write this I realize I have actually kept off 35+ pounds for two years so the story I tell myself, the one that makes me afraid of failure is just that–a story-a lie.

I didn’t want to turn 40 and be fat. I didn’t want to turn 45 and still be fat. And I sure as hell don’t want to turn 50 in September and be fat.

So what is the thought that I can lose 36 pounds in 90 days? I don’t see it. But I do think I can lose 20-25 pounds but I have to fight for it. I no longer have the luxury that I did in my 30’s and even in my mid 40’s of just eating less and losing weight. I have to use all weapons at my disposal. Diet is 80% yes, but strength training and cardio is the area that I have to crank up on. When I did all three, I lost my weight and kept it off.

I lose really slowly now. Like 2 pounds a month slow. But I finally know why. Finally. I went to the doctor and had my thyroid checked–normal. There is no physical reason why I cannot lose weight. I was always one of those that thought well at around 50 your metabolism slows down and you have a harder time losing. Hmm….not sure I buy that. I think what really happens is you lose muscle. And muscle burns fat. So the answer is to build more muscle. That is a much more empowering message because I have control over my destiny and a slower metabolism is not something I can control. Others may disagree with me but I am going to test my theory.


So…I’ve figured out my plan.

More to come

2014-04-20 13.17.49



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Meeting my former future self

Today while I was running I stopped and spoke to a man and his wife that were slowly walking the lake. He is 62 and a double amputee. He was out there doing it and I had to give him props. He told me that he lost his legs due to diabetes that he had been diagnosed with some time ago and it was all because of his lifestyle. He didn’t care what he ate, drank or how he lived because he lived only for the moment. He said he is now trying to live for many more “moments”. His parting words to me today were “it’s walk now while you’re healthy or try to learn to walk again when you’re not”. That’s right sir, that’s right.

I ran 4 miles today and felt amazing.

2 miles in


4 miles in…


Coffee time!


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When I think of Chocolate I look like this…


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My New Healthy Kitchen

I’ve spent quite a bit of time this weekend getting rid of the unhealthy things in my pantry and putting in new items that I know I will use. How do I know I will use them? Because I have my meals planned. That is also new.

So here is a snapshot of one cupboard.


Tomorrow I’ll be making Sweet Potato Dal, which I will post.

Happy Easter everyone!

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Starving for Love



I mentioned yesterday that I do a lot of research into things before I do them. I think it’s the student in me. I have always had a love of learning. Part of my research and interest in the topic of losing weight has been to read other blogs on weight loss. There is so much misinformation out there it can be scary.

I am not a medical professional. I do not make any claims to know more than what I know. But I do know these truths to be real in MY SITUATION:

Depending on several factors, it takes a certain amount of calories just to make your body function. That means it takes calories for your heart to pump, your brain to work. They don’t just magically work without  you fueling your body. Now I could point you in the direction of several online calculators to determine what you should eat based upon age, sex, weight, etc. but I’m not going to do that. Why? Because when I was eating below the uber low 1200 calories, I was starving myself and it is psychological and no amount of scientific information was going to get me over that hump. That is not how it was.

As soon as I quit starving myself and increased my calories to 1200 calories a day (this is way low but it’s a lot to some people like how it was for me until just recently) I gained weight back. It is simple math and how the body works. Once i figured that out and realized what I was trying to do mentally it helped.

But first, I had to deal with what was keeping me literally obsessed about losing weight. To the point where I was weighing myself 5 times a day, freaking out over every little weight fluctuation daily  and basically not eating. To do that, I got into therapy, dealt with my issues (see my archives for posts on those things) and I have gradually returned to normal.

The basic premise is that I was starving for love. My mother in particular but my absent, non-protecting father as well. I was never given the tools to learn how to love and accept myself which is the first rule of self realization. My therapist, Randy, is teaching me how to do that. And guess what? I’m eating! I weigh myself once a day and I’m flirting with throwing the scale away and just focusing on body composition which is the best indicator anyway.

If you are a person that is starving yourself and is depressed and has made the scale one of your closest friends, please look inside yourself. It is not the food. It’s not the fact that you can lose an ounce or you do gain an ounce. It’s what is eating you inside.

You are courageous in your fight to lose weight. It takes so much mental energy to do that. People like us need to channel our energy in the direction of what’s in our minds and our bodies will most certainly follow.

Posted in 2012 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A whole new way of eating

Spring is really here? Wow awesome! I had my first outside run of the season today and it was SO wonderful. It was all there, me and my headphones, sunshine, people that can’t control their kids or animals around runners, it was glorious I tell you!

I have always been very upfront about how slow I am and it certainly hasn’t changed after several months on the “dreadmill”. I ran 2 miles in 29 minutes. OK, but it was my first run and it was not about timing for me. It can’t be at my weight. But the VERY cool thing was that I ran the whole 2 miles, I didn’t walk any of it. That bodes awesome things for me this year. My next run will be on Easter and I’m still just going to do another 2 miles but next week I’m going to up it 5-10%. I also am getting new running shoes, which I am SO looking forward to.

Now, as far as the new way of eating goes. This is all new for me and I have some wonderful followers who know so much more than I do, which is why I follow you right back! So please feel free to help guide me because I am going only on the knowledge I have and am learning.

I’ve gone a week now where I have not eaten white flour or processed sugar (candy, etc.). I do eat fruit because I read that the sugar in fruit is different than the white poison. I had cravings for a few days but they have pretty much subsided. I’m very grateful for that. I’ve already lost 3 pounds without hardly trying and i’m eating a lot! I’m still at 1700 calories and going to go to 1900 on Sunday. Someone suggested I do a BMR test and I have but I screwed up my metabolism after eating 1200 calories for so long that I’m doing what is called a “metabolism reset”.

I have a meeting on Thursday with a woman from South Africa that has a medical degree from there but she specializes in plant based eating. But what does that really mean? Is that vegan? Vegetarian? Paleo? I’m not big into labels but at this point in my desire to eat better labels help guide me because I read and research and I don’t want to waste my time researching something that doesn’t apply.

Here is what I want. I want to give up dairy (I have mostly) and meat (but it will be hard to walk away from fish) and perhaps eggs. But how do I give up eggs? I love them. But….I read that little boy chickies get thrown in a pile to die at the corporate farms because they can’t produce eggs and that really upset me. I read that in Skinny Bitch, which is an excellent book.

I want to eat as organic as possible. I am grateful I have a Whole Foods 2 miles away from me, but people don’t call it “Whole Paycheck” for nothing. It is pricey.

So what i am doing right now is abstaining from  white flour and sugar. For me that is the first step. I will continue to read blogs and books and anything I can get my hands on.

I hope you have a wonderful day. There is always something good in every day we have.

Here is my picture from my run today.


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Before Pictures – Take 2!!

So last year I went from 269 to 235. That was a good year’s work. I have to say though that I am only just now getting back on the wagon. Today I weighed in at 234. I had to get to that place where I felt mentally ready again. I’ve always said it is not about motivation. If I had to wait for motivation I would never have started in the first place. It’s that mental state of “yep, it’s time”. And it is.

So. Here is my game plan.

1. Blog more often. You guys keep me SO motivated to continue. I love the comments and feedback and reading your blogs as well!

2. Go back to documenting my measurements monthly.

3. Pictures monthly.

4. Finally get off of sugar and white flour. More on that later

5. Work towards eating a plant based diet. (More on that later)

6. Eat more. Yep! You heard it right. I stopped losing weight when I got down to 1200 calories. I am now “resetting” my metabolism. I’m doing this before I start cutting again. Right now I’m at about 1700 calories per day.

For now it is enough for me to say that I took some pictures tonight and wow I still have so much work to do, it gets me down sometimes. But when I look at where I was one year ago I do feel very proud.

My goals this year:

1. PR on my 5K time. I can do that.

2. Focus more on body composition than body weight.

3. Finally get below 200 pounds.

And here you go…


I’ve lost some stomach definition that you can see in prior pix. I can fix that, and will.


I want to wear this shirt badly. I will.


This is a dress I haven’t been able to wear for 16 years. This is my uber goal.


Back of dress. I’m in a size 20 now, This dress is a 14.

And there you have it!

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Stress + Not Running = Crankiness / Creativity

Middle-Aged Woman (newly) On The Run!

I was having a less-than-stellar day today.
There was nothing inherently ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ going on in my life or with my job.  *I* was just feeling stressed.  Like wanting to scream uncontrollably and throw things against walls for no real reason stressed.
And out of nowhere, in the midst of all the “I’m going to scream/break something/slap someone” angst and uproar in my brain I had the thought “I am going for a run after work!”

Today’s high was a beautiful, sunny, dare-I-say Springlike mid-60s. After last week’s overcast and cold-enough-for-snow only no snow ever came it just rained if it did anything and just generally *blech* weather it was a definite relief.

Of course I had nobody to blame but myself for the dearth of running in the past eight days of my life.
I could have run.
I should have run.
I didn’t run.
I would get to…

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Posted in 2012 | 1 Comment

New Rules of Lifting For Women

Today I started reading the New Rules of Lifting for Women. During my weight loss activity last year we lifted heavy and I believe that made a huge impact to my loss last year.

I am looking forward to it.

Ran today for 1.5 miles, did an hour of Yoga and did 30 minutes of circuit training. Life is good!


Posted in 2012 | 3 Comments